What happened to my photography?

I’ve always been a photographer. Since I was a kid when my parents bought me my first camera for Christmas. They used to complain that I always took pictures that had no people in them. I was a shy kid and in many ways I am still a shy adult. The camera gave me a way to interact with the world and with people from a safe distance.

Through my teen years the camera became a shield and a way to express myself. Working quietly and alone in the darkroom at school was a good way to escape the bullying. Photography like swimming was something that I could do in my own company.

When Photography became my work it changed from a passion to something I did for money and a lot of the joy went out of it. I like many new artists discovered that I didn’t know as much as I thought and I had some very big disasters. I was undeterred but also became a little gun shy.

Later my dream job came along and couldn’t believe it. My enthusiasm was now tempered by maturity, a healthy understanding of my own limits and a much more professional outlook and approach to my work. I started to find the joy in it again.

It was also around this time in London that I became desperately unhappy and started to suffer from depression more deeply than at any time before. I was spending so much time taking pictures for work that I was too exhausted to pick up the camera on my time off and slowly but surely photography once again became a job rather than a passion. I’d collapse in to bed at the end of the day without even thinking about taking pictures for my own enjoyment.

Inspiration is a strange thing. It can come at any time and disappear just as quickly. I tried on many occasions to rediscover my self through my camera in London. I have always found that going for a walk with the camera cheers me up but stress kills creativity dead in it’s tracks. Pressures at work and home, loneliness and homesickness meant that my head wasn’t in a creative place for a long time.

The truth is that while the last 5 or so years have been a wonderful journey for my knowledge and experience as a photographer they have also been hellishly difficult for me personally and emotionally and my camera has sadly come to represent that awful time.

I’m a creative by nature and I expect I will find my joy in it again but it’s not something I can force.


2 thoughts on “What happened to my photography?”

  1. I feel the same many times I’ve got all my camera gear ready to go out and take photos of nature or whatever but then the stress of getting to the location was all too much, it comes and goes and with all the $’s invested in equipment I’m not about to throw in the towel. Im now looking at getting into time-lapse photography with my GoPro. Much love and Peace babe ????

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