Hi there ShanFans, I’ve created a complete playlist of all my kink diaries and cage reviews. Since many of you have been exploring your kinks I thought it would be helpful to have all these videos in one easy to reach place. Enjoy x
Trust is a key element of any partnership but in a kink partnership I have found it even more so, especially when you are using restrains or engaging in risky things like breath play.
I have come to realise that Sir ( my Dom ) is a Unicorn.
Sir has been very careful to build my trust in him and the result is that I have become much more open to things that would have been limits for me previously. In the past there simply hasn’t been enough trust for me to fully give myself over to previous doms. Willing submission is a key tenet of kink play, it cannot occur without trust and trust requires open communication and respect for limits.
Sirs training recently has begun to include breath play (choking ) and deep throating. Both of these are things that I have been keen to try but which require a lot of trust. In the past I haven’t felt comfortable enough with my partners to really enjoy this. Yesterdays session with Sir was the first time that I felt really confident enough to give myself over completely to Sir and put my safety in his hands. The result was that we both reached a new level of enjoyment I hadn’t experienced before.
So how do you build trust in a kink partnership?
Open communication without slut shaming or judgement is incredibly important.
A sub should feel like they can share anything with their dom about what they enjoy and what their limits are.
Slut shaming your sub can make them feel unworthy or that their own needs are unreasonable. This is never the case and if you are a sub you should not submit yourself to a dom who treats you in this way.
Slut shaming or judging your sub can also lead to them taking risks, keeping quiet about their limits, or not stopping play that causes them an injury. This is unacceptable, it can leave your sub depressed and even feeling abused. As a dom you are responsible for your subs safety and well being, mind AND body.
Knowing what you are both interested in will make training far more satisfying physically and mentally. In the past I have had doms who were only concerned with their own needs and disregarded their subs as “just there to serve”. Why would I submit willingly to a dom who does nothing for me?
It’s impossible to trust someone who consistently does things you have told them not too.
A dom who does not respect limits does not understand consent and is unworthy of your service.
NO MEANS NO!
As a sub always remember your limits are to be respected and play must be consensual. A dom may push your limits if you have spoken about what is acceptable to you. Sometimes pushing a limit can expand your experience and help you reach new levels of enjoyment. To facilitate this always use safe words and something like the “red, yellow, green” system.
Red = STOP IMMEDIATELY.
Yellow = I’m reaching my limit but I’m okay to keep going.
Green = Please continue.
As a dom you must respect your sub and their limits if you are to create a partnership that is meaningful and lasting. Training takes time and each time your sub realises that they are safe they may consent to go a little further, this is how we push the boundaries safely.
A fan asked me if being caged was empowering and/or humiliating today.
It’s a really great question because people often ask me what is it about being in chasity that I enjoy so much?, especially when they discover for themselves that being caged can sometimes be very uncomfortable.
My answer is that it absolutely makes me feel empowered.
Being caged means that I can focus completely on being a submissive bottom, which is exactly what I enjoy. I don’t have to negotiate my role and my partners know exactly what is and isn’t available. I’ve never been dick focussed when it comes to sex. Every nerve and pleasure centre in my body has a direct line to my butt, so much so that I don’t always need to cum during sex. I’m so butt focussed that having a guy grabbing at my dick doesn’t really turn me on. With my dick locked all that pressure evaporates and there are no awkward moments and padding his ego, and trying to explain to my Top that yes I really am enjoying myself. The clarity is hugely empowering for me because I can focus on doing what I love most.
The sexual energy from being caged is also empowering. All the time I save not jerking off and trawling PornHub get focussed in to more useful things, I find that my creativity explodes when I’m caged. My posts get more interesting, my work gets better and mind gets dirtier.
My sub headspace has always been about submission and domination, not humiliation. I don’t find being caged at all humiliating. Some guys I know use caging to shrink their dicks (physically impossible) or as a kind of feminisation. This is not where the head space for me is at.
I wear the cage because I identify as a man with a locked dick, subdued and subservient to Sir who is my Alpha. That is not humiliating because to serve Sir is a privilege. Sir only ever owns one boy at a time and he has extremely high expectations. To be Sirs locked, collared boy is to be elevated by Sir above all other boys – my collar and cage are symbols of this.
Slut shaming is a problem across all aspects of our sexual lives but in kink relationships and partnerships my experience of slut shaming has given me a few insights in to how it can damage your kink play and prevent you from realising your ideal kink life.
I’ve been SIRs boy now for almost six months and SIR keeps taking me to higher and higher levels of training and enjoyment. I haven’t experienced anything like it in any of my previous kink adventures. The major difference is that SIR has been careful to foster a partnership where I can express myself and my fantasies without feeling slut shamed or embarrassed. It’s a hugely important thing. It allows me to be spontaneous and take some initiative when trying to please SIR knowing that if I don’t quite get it right that I’m not going to be made to feel unworthy or shamed for it.
In previous encounters with Doms I have always held back and on occasions hidden what I wanted and needed to avoid being made to feel like I was a cheater or a slut or unworthy. This caused me to become resentful of many Doms control and the lack of satisfaction that I was getting.
An atmosphere of open non judgemental communication means that both of us can discuss freely what we want and what we enjoy. It is not weak for Doms to please their subs. Most Doms I have met just took what they wanted and gave nothing back because they thought that the subs only pleasure should be to serve. It just doesn’t work like that. Willing submission is a key component of a good kink partnership. SIR takes such good care of me that there are days when I find myself longing to throw myself at his feet and worship him, our play sessions are the most satisfying I have ever had. My enjoyment means that I have a stake in our play and that makes me serve better.
If you are a Dom reading this then please treat all your subs needs as valid and important even if they do not align with your own. Forcing a sub to comply only with things that you are interested in will just push your sub to look elsewhere. Keep communication open, you don’t have to do everything the sub wants, you are in charge. You should allow this discussion to help inform your choices for play and punishments, there are ways to allow your sub to explore – where you can still maintain your power if you are willing to engage in a respectful manner.
Some subs like myself enjoy playing with more than one partner. Do not slut shame risky or promiscuous behaviour as this has the tendency to push this behaviour in to the shadows. It’s important to speak about having other partners openly. SIR allows me play with others so long as I follow the protocols he has set in place. I must remain caged and collared at all times and I must report back to SIR afterwards. These protocols actually add to my enjoyment and focus my submission to SIR as my owner. Different arrangements work for different partnerships, in the past I’ve had to be monogamous and that simply isn’t something I enjoy.
Importantly looking after your sexual health is non negotiable. Adult play grounds bring adult consequences. Slut shaming can cause us to not get tested, not share and/or not be honest about our results. Slut shaming can cause us not to report damage from a play session or even an assault. These can have very real and very traumatic results and so please make sure you talk about it openly and respectfully with your Dom/sub. Doms are as responsible for a subs safety just as much as as a sub is responsible for a Doms.
Have fun and enjoy exploring. Do you have anything to add? Any safety tips? Leave a comment below and tell us.
I have been collared by Sir now for almost two months and his training has been continuing every week. I’ve mentioned before how excited I was to be collared and that it’s been this sub boys goal for a very long time. My sessions with Sir are always really hot and even after a few months ( a couple at long distance because of COVID ) things are still fresh.
Any Kink partnership requires some give and take from both Dom and sub. Sir really pays attention to my needs and enjoyment and this is something that I am really grateful for. He has also been very careful to foster a connection that allows me to express my needs without fear of being slut shamed or judged. This is super important because it has meant that we can both explore what the other wants and needs more deeply.
Sir has very VERY high expectations of me but that sense of discipline and expectation is really important for me in a kink partnership. Clear protocols and rules are also important. These thing help me navigate sex in a much clearer way and removes a lot of the anxiety I feel about sex. This is why kink makes sex so much more enjoyable for me. I find the clear roles and expectations liberating.
Before meeting Sir, with the exception of a couple of fuck buddies, my sex life was generally unsatisfying. It was unsatisfying because a lot of guys that I hooked up with either lacked the stamina, creativity or the attentiveness that I needed to enjoy sex myself. I’m completely butt focussed, I don’t really get hard when I’m being fucked. It’s common for a lot of bottoms but some Tops take it personally and having a guy grabbing at my dick all the time makes me feel quite a bit of anxiety and gives both of us performance anxiety.
Locking my dick away completely removes all of the pressure and anxiety and we can both enjoy what we really want. Cumming for me isn’t the focus of sex, in fact I prefer not too while I’m caged because the sexual energy is just too good. Sir satisfies me mentally as well as physically by giving me what I need as sub. The best sexual organ really is the brain. I always leave him exhausted, satisfied, and always hungry for more.
That’s what makes our partnership so great and different from being fuck buddies or just a hookup. I’m starting to really understand the value of this and how much value my kinks bring to my life. I get all the physical and mental stimulation I need plus the intimacy that comes from really being able to share my needs and connect with Sir.
Lockdown restrictions have finally been eased here in Melbourne and although we still need to be careful and responsible, travel and visits to friends are now possible. It feels so good to be allowed to get out and about again.
You can already see on the streets that peoples tolerance for the lockdowns is wearing out. The streets and shops were already getting busier before the government announced restrictions were going to be eased. Most of us understand why they are in place but there are still a small number of nutbags protesting 5g and other conspiracy theories. Australians have been reasonably good at following the orders but there is only so long that we can handle isolation. I include myself in this because as comfortable as I am with the slower pace of life at the moment I was really beginning to miss my friends and family.
Over the past few days I’ve taken the chance to have coffee with a few friends again and do a little shopping. My indoor plants desperately needed to be repotted, they were suffocating almost as much as I was. I hope that I’ll be able to see my family soon but with a couple of newborns and older parents I think i’ll wait a little bit longer.
The thing that I’m still missing most right now is the gym. I had forgotten how social it was. I miss my workouts but I also miss seeing my gym buddys. The loss of strength and conditioning is also starting to trigger me too. All that hard work slowly slipping away, I hope we can get back soon. To keep myself moving though I’ve done a couple of step classes in the park with a new friend of mine. It’s been a bit of a life saver keeping me motivated and getting me out of the apartment.
I’ve had some badly needed dick appointments too now that we are allowed to visit again. Interestingly they have been far more passionate than my pre-lockdown dick appointments. Lots of kissing and much more intimate hugging and touching, I suspect its because we have all been missing the contact and I hope it doesn’t change. It’s one of the things I think I will try to hold on to in my post lockdown world.
I also hadn’t had sex that didn’t involve at least one toy in six weeks (see my twitter), so being able to go see Sir finally after six weeks of chastity and long distance training, which I plan to write about in a future post, had me giddy with sub boy excitement.
Sir and I have had to be creative with our interactions and Sirs training has heavily relied on the use of my Lovense hush plug and regular tasks to keep me engaged. But none of these things can compare to the thrill of serving Sir in person. The role of a sub is to serve and to be useful to his Dom so when Sir allowed me the privilege of serving him again I was gagging for it, on it and around it!
It felt so good to be at Sirs feet again and I finally got the chance to show him my gratitude for all his attention and for his collar. It wasn’t an easy six weeks and I’m sure that my interactions with Sir really helped. Not being able to physically meet meant that Sir and I had lots of time to get to know each other and what kinks and fetishes we both enjoyed. Sir was able to test my commitment and I was able to get an insight in to how creative Sir is. I don’t think that would have happened on such a deep level had we been able to leap straight in to play.
That’s it for now, we shall just have to take it slow and be sensible out there. The second wave will come but we can beat that too. Take care of yourselves and each other out there.