Trust is a key element of any partnership but in a kink partnership I have found it even more so, especially when you are using restrains or engaging in risky things like breath play.
I have come to realise that Sir ( my Dom ) is a Unicorn.
Sir has been very careful to build my trust in him and the result is that I have become much more open to things that would have been limits for me previously. In the past there simply hasn’t been enough trust for me to fully give myself over to previous doms. Willing submission is a key tenet of kink play, it cannot occur without trust and trust requires open communication and respect for limits.
Sirs training recently has begun to include breath play (choking ) and deep throating. Both of these are things that I have been keen to try but which require a lot of trust. In the past I haven’t felt comfortable enough with my partners to really enjoy this. Yesterdays session with Sir was the first time that I felt really confident enough to give myself over completely to Sir and put my safety in his hands. The result was that we both reached a new level of enjoyment I hadn’t experienced before.
So how do you build trust in a kink partnership?
Open communication without slut shaming or judgement is incredibly important.
A sub should feel like they can share anything with their dom about what they enjoy and what their limits are.
Slut shaming your sub can make them feel unworthy or that their own needs are unreasonable. This is never the case and if you are a sub you should not submit yourself to a dom who treats you in this way.
Slut shaming or judging your sub can also lead to them taking risks, keeping quiet about their limits, or not stopping play that causes them an injury. This is unacceptable, it can leave your sub depressed and even feeling abused. As a dom you are responsible for your subs safety and well being, mind AND body.
Knowing what you are both interested in will make training far more satisfying physically and mentally. In the past I have had doms who were only concerned with their own needs and disregarded their subs as “just there to serve”. Why would I submit willingly to a dom who does nothing for me?
It’s impossible to trust someone who consistently does things you have told them not too.
A dom who does not respect limits does not understand consent and is unworthy of your service.
NO MEANS NO!
As a sub always remember your limits are to be respected and play must be consensual. A dom may push your limits if you have spoken about what is acceptable to you. Sometimes pushing a limit can expand your experience and help you reach new levels of enjoyment. To facilitate this always use safe words and something like the “red, yellow, green” system.
Red = STOP IMMEDIATELY.
Yellow = I’m reaching my limit but I’m okay to keep going.
Green = Please continue.
As a dom you must respect your sub and their limits if you are to create a partnership that is meaningful and lasting. Training takes time and each time your sub realises that they are safe they may consent to go a little further, this is how we push the boundaries safely.
Apart from chastity the thing that I get asked about the most is Sirs collar. In the Kink community and personally my collar is not about playing dress up. In the wider Gay community harnesses, collars and other Kink accoutrements are often worn as costume and although I’m pleased to see that kink is becoming more mainstream each item I wear is important to me.
My collar was custom made for me by Sir. That in itself means a lot to me because it symbolises Sirs personal commitment to me as Sirs boy. Sirs collar with its padlock represents his ownership of this boy and my submission to his authority over my body and certain agreed aspects of my life. This ownership requires that I will serve him and be available for his pleasure when required. It means that this boys body now belongs to Sir and that this boys pleasure is Sirs to give and take away as he pleases. Violations of this will bring punishment.
Sirs collar does not only show this boys commitment but also shows Sirs commitment to take on the responsibility for my training and take me under his protection. This means that I am not available for use by other Doms without his permission.
A collar is not something that a Master gives lightly, it took three months of commitment and training before Sir decided I was worthy of wearing his collar. It is not something that should be accepted lightly either. It is a symbol of commitment, Sir and I have a contract which clearly outlines the terms of our partnership. Both of us have responsibilities to each other built on mutual enjoyment and respectful conduct.
There are a variety of collars which mean different things and now that wearing a collar has become more mainstream within the Kink and wider Gay communities it’s important to know that they are not always about “dressing up”. Everybody’s kink is personal and unique if you meet somebody wearing a collar and are not sure what it means then just ask and as always be respectful.