Hi there ShanFans, I’ve created a complete playlist of all my kink diaries and cage reviews. Since many of you have been exploring your kinks I thought it would be helpful to have all these videos in one easy to reach place. Enjoy x
Trust is a key element of any partnership but in a kink partnership I have found it even more so, especially when you are using restrains or engaging in risky things like breath play.
I have come to realise that Sir ( my Dom ) is a Unicorn.
Sir has been very careful to build my trust in him and the result is that I have become much more open to things that would have been limits for me previously. In the past there simply hasn’t been enough trust for me to fully give myself over to previous doms. Willing submission is a key tenet of kink play, it cannot occur without trust and trust requires open communication and respect for limits.
Sirs training recently has begun to include breath play (choking ) and deep throating. Both of these are things that I have been keen to try but which require a lot of trust. In the past I haven’t felt comfortable enough with my partners to really enjoy this. Yesterdays session with Sir was the first time that I felt really confident enough to give myself over completely to Sir and put my safety in his hands. The result was that we both reached a new level of enjoyment I hadn’t experienced before.
So how do you build trust in a kink partnership?
Open communication without slut shaming or judgement is incredibly important.
A sub should feel like they can share anything with their dom about what they enjoy and what their limits are.
Slut shaming your sub can make them feel unworthy or that their own needs are unreasonable. This is never the case and if you are a sub you should not submit yourself to a dom who treats you in this way.
Slut shaming or judging your sub can also lead to them taking risks, keeping quiet about their limits, or not stopping play that causes them an injury. This is unacceptable, it can leave your sub depressed and even feeling abused. As a dom you are responsible for your subs safety and well being, mind AND body.
Knowing what you are both interested in will make training far more satisfying physically and mentally. In the past I have had doms who were only concerned with their own needs and disregarded their subs as “just there to serve”. Why would I submit willingly to a dom who does nothing for me?
It’s impossible to trust someone who consistently does things you have told them not too.
A dom who does not respect limits does not understand consent and is unworthy of your service.
NO MEANS NO!
As a sub always remember your limits are to be respected and play must be consensual. A dom may push your limits if you have spoken about what is acceptable to you. Sometimes pushing a limit can expand your experience and help you reach new levels of enjoyment. To facilitate this always use safe words and something like the “red, yellow, green” system.
Red = STOP IMMEDIATELY.
Yellow = I’m reaching my limit but I’m okay to keep going.
Green = Please continue.
As a dom you must respect your sub and their limits if you are to create a partnership that is meaningful and lasting. Training takes time and each time your sub realises that they are safe they may consent to go a little further, this is how we push the boundaries safely.
A fan asked me if being caged was empowering and/or humiliating today.
It’s a really great question because people often ask me what is it about being in chasity that I enjoy so much?, especially when they discover for themselves that being caged can sometimes be very uncomfortable.
My answer is that it absolutely makes me feel empowered.
Being caged means that I can focus completely on being a submissive bottom, which is exactly what I enjoy. I don’t have to negotiate my role and my partners know exactly what is and isn’t available. I’ve never been dick focussed when it comes to sex. Every nerve and pleasure centre in my body has a direct line to my butt, so much so that I don’t always need to cum during sex. I’m so butt focussed that having a guy grabbing at my dick doesn’t really turn me on. With my dick locked all that pressure evaporates and there are no awkward moments and padding his ego, and trying to explain to my Top that yes I really am enjoying myself. The clarity is hugely empowering for me because I can focus on doing what I love most.
The sexual energy from being caged is also empowering. All the time I save not jerking off and trawling PornHub get focussed in to more useful things, I find that my creativity explodes when I’m caged. My posts get more interesting, my work gets better and mind gets dirtier.
My sub headspace has always been about submission and domination, not humiliation. I don’t find being caged at all humiliating. Some guys I know use caging to shrink their dicks (physically impossible) or as a kind of feminisation. This is not where the head space for me is at.
I wear the cage because I identify as a man with a locked dick, subdued and subservient to Sir who is my Alpha. That is not humiliating because to serve Sir is a privilege. Sir only ever owns one boy at a time and he has extremely high expectations. To be Sirs locked, collared boy is to be elevated by Sir above all other boys – my collar and cage are symbols of this.
Slut shaming is a problem across all aspects of our sexual lives but in kink relationships and partnerships my experience of slut shaming has given me a few insights in to how it can damage your kink play and prevent you from realising your ideal kink life.
I’ve been SIRs boy now for almost six months and SIR keeps taking me to higher and higher levels of training and enjoyment. I haven’t experienced anything like it in any of my previous kink adventures. The major difference is that SIR has been careful to foster a partnership where I can express myself and my fantasies without feeling slut shamed or embarrassed. It’s a hugely important thing. It allows me to be spontaneous and take some initiative when trying to please SIR knowing that if I don’t quite get it right that I’m not going to be made to feel unworthy or shamed for it.
In previous encounters with Doms I have always held back and on occasions hidden what I wanted and needed to avoid being made to feel like I was a cheater or a slut or unworthy. This caused me to become resentful of many Doms control and the lack of satisfaction that I was getting.
An atmosphere of open non judgemental communication means that both of us can discuss freely what we want and what we enjoy. It is not weak for Doms to please their subs. Most Doms I have met just took what they wanted and gave nothing back because they thought that the subs only pleasure should be to serve. It just doesn’t work like that. Willing submission is a key component of a good kink partnership. SIR takes such good care of me that there are days when I find myself longing to throw myself at his feet and worship him, our play sessions are the most satisfying I have ever had. My enjoyment means that I have a stake in our play and that makes me serve better.
If you are a Dom reading this then please treat all your subs needs as valid and important even if they do not align with your own. Forcing a sub to comply only with things that you are interested in will just push your sub to look elsewhere. Keep communication open, you don’t have to do everything the sub wants, you are in charge. You should allow this discussion to help inform your choices for play and punishments, there are ways to allow your sub to explore – where you can still maintain your power if you are willing to engage in a respectful manner.
Some subs like myself enjoy playing with more than one partner. Do not slut shame risky or promiscuous behaviour as this has the tendency to push this behaviour in to the shadows. It’s important to speak about having other partners openly. SIR allows me play with others so long as I follow the protocols he has set in place. I must remain caged and collared at all times and I must report back to SIR afterwards. These protocols actually add to my enjoyment and focus my submission to SIR as my owner. Different arrangements work for different partnerships, in the past I’ve had to be monogamous and that simply isn’t something I enjoy.
Importantly looking after your sexual health is non negotiable. Adult play grounds bring adult consequences. Slut shaming can cause us to not get tested, not share and/or not be honest about our results. Slut shaming can cause us not to report damage from a play session or even an assault. These can have very real and very traumatic results and so please make sure you talk about it openly and respectfully with your Dom/sub. Doms are as responsible for a subs safety just as much as as a sub is responsible for a Doms.
Have fun and enjoy exploring. Do you have anything to add? Any safety tips? Leave a comment below and tell us.