Gay 101. An introverts guide to dating.


Believe it or not when I first came out I was a bit of an introvert. It wasn’t until I started to make a few friends and started taking selifes that I really was able to discover who I am and start to come out of my shell. Until that happened I struggled with dating, making friends and meeting new people. I simply found it very scary talking to strangers and approaching people I didn’t know. I wanted so much to be liked that I was afraid to talk to anybody for fear of rejection. When I first started going out to Gay night clubs it was four weeks of going out every weekend before I had the courage to talk to anyone and I still have trouble to this day.

I had always been a bit of an introvert through school and Uni. I put it down to being bullied, having bad acne and low self esteem in general.

After getting an email from a blog reader looking for advice on being introverted and dating I decided that it would be a good topic to discuss incase anybody else was experiencing the same thing. I should say thank you to the letter writer at this point for making such a great suggestion… you know who you are 🙂

If you are a bit shy or introverted you can find it difficult to meet people or enjoy the dating scene. Despite being the shameless attention whore you see online, I actually find it very hard to approach people in clubs or make new friends. I still feel uncomfortable at parties where I don’t know many people and still feel shy in many social situations but there are a few things that I have learned that help me.

This is not a complete handbook. It’s just what I have learned works for me, but if it helps then I’m glad to be able to share.

Figuring out why you are feeling shy or anxious is important. Is it a fear of rejection? Are you nursing a broken heart? Have you been bullied? Do you think you’re not good enough? Once you have been able to unpack the reasons why you feel the way you do then you can begin to think about strategies for dealing with those feelings.

Remind yourself of all the awesome positive outcomes that might come from making a change, asking the guy out, making a new friend. Think about what you have to gain and visualise your happiness. Nothing in the dating world is without risk but finding something awesome makes it worth it.

Find ways of connecting with people that are comfortable for you. We all joke about Grindr and other apps but for many people it allows a safe non threatening way to talk to people. Just remember eventually you are going to have to meet people in person. If you’re not comfortable in clubs or social situations try dates that are quieter. Movies, coffees or lunches and dinners are great ways to find one on one time. You can pick your favourite venue for a home ground advantage.

Once you are on the date remember that they wouldn’t be there if they weren’t interested. That doesn’t mean whip your cock out. It means have a little faith in who you are and that you have something to offer. Think about the successes in your life and nurture your confidence.

Finally remember, rejection isn’t the end of the world. We all get rejected. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person, it doesn’t mean you are worthless, it doesn’t mean you are ugly. All it means that the person for you is out there and that you are one step closer to finding them. Sometimes we just don’t connect, better to know than to waste time pining over something that wasn’t meant to be. Think about what you have learned from the situation and then let it go.

So there you have it, some of my tips for dealing with shyness on the dating scene. I kind of feel like the blind leading the blind because I struggle with this all the time too, but it’s something that I am working on all the time and I have had great success in building on my confidence, I hope it helps you too.





5 thoughts on “Gay 101. An introverts guide to dating.

  • March 11, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Loved the content. Identified with so much of it. Thanks!

  • March 12, 2014 at 2:14 am

    I like this advice.

  • March 15, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Sent it to my nephew. 17. He needs this, wish I had it at that age. lol

  • April 26, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    As an introvert, I think this article is a little misleading. Being introverted is not a result of bullying or social pressure. It is part of your personality, and there is a lot of research showing introversion/extroversion are biologically determined, just like our sexualities.

    Introverts get their energy from doing things on their own; they get exhausted with a lot of social activity. Extroverts are the opposite: they feed off the energy of others, and they are uncomfortable being alone. Neither personality type is good or bad; they are just different.

    Check out Susan Cain’s awesome book Quiet: The Power of Introverts for more info on how introversion can be used in a positive manner. Also check out the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which are very enlightening in understanding how your personality influences your interactions with others.

  • May 1, 2015 at 10:53 am

    This sounds more like shyness then true being a true introvert. If all it took was for you to go out and have more experiences and meet new friend then that means it was probably more you being shy and being introverted. Being introverted is part of who you are and what your personality is at the core it’s not going to change simply because you went to a gay club or had a few dates. You were probably just an extrovert who is shy and insecure.


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