Just before Mardi Gras I noticed a pattern in my sexual encounters.
I was planning to meet up with a longtime friend in Sydney for a coffee and catch up when the conversation turned very horny very quickly. We made plans to hang out and shoot a horny video for the blog together.
But as the date drew closer I started to feel the pressure and a little bit of panic. It’s the same reaction I’ve had to a lot of planned encounters with friends or guys I know. It’s almost like a panic attack. It’s happened to me when dating too. I meet guys who I really like but when it comes to sex I panic or start to feel uncomfortable. Swap that with a random encounter however and I have no trouble getting hot and heavy.
Why is it that I feel pressure and panic with guys I know when random meaningless sex is so easy?
I’m very aware of the issues that I have surrounding intimacy and my ability to connect on a sexual level with people I care about. To be honest I’d be very happy having a non sexual relationship with a close partner but thats more about avoiding discomfort and not really sustainable in any kind of meaningful relationship.
The pressure I feel is pressure I put on myself around performance but also about making myself vulnerable again. I’ve been hurt in the past and whether by design or subconsciously I am very defensive almost to the point of having a bunker mentality when it comes to meeting new people.
I’ve had boys tell me the sex was great and they’d love to do it again and that makes me feel even worse. I think I’d rather not know at all. The result of all this is that sex has become quite unhealthy and stressful for me.
I sometimes wonder if its because sex has become too casual for me, I know that I enjoy it a lot and that I can get it whenever I want but there are things that play on my mind…
Has that made it too routine?
Has the members section made it a commodity now rather than something special?
Should I take a break from sex for a while and take the focus off getting laid all the time?
I had a friend in Sydney whose self esteem was very much attached to how much he was getting sex. When he was feeling down he’d jump on Grindr for a hook up. When he wasn’t getting attention he was depressed. I feel like thats where I am but I’m not sure how to take a more healthy attitude to sex and my sexual encounters.
Have you been feeling the same way? Share and leave a comment and tell me how you have gotten over issues of intimacy in your own relationships.